It is finally sinking in....

I recently made a huge change in my life. I left a position I had held successfully for around a decade and decided to go into business for myself. I thought I could make a smooth transition by suddenly taking care of my self in addition to my previous employer, but I was wrong. Wrong to a magnitude that takes my breath away. Wrong in a way that sometimes wakes me up in the night frozen with fear. Wrong enough that I am fighting daily to not lose faith in myself. If I could be that wrong about how I could leave a company and a boss I thought I knew so well, what if I am wrong about being good enough to go it on my own. Ouch.

I don't really have enough distance yet to think objectively about this time in my life. Lawyers have been involved and accusations have been made of behaviors so inconsistent with my persona that it leaves me reeling with a sadness and weariness that is bone deep. Sadness, weariness, and a shot of full blown rage, of course.

Part of me sees some humor in this situation. Part of me, in my journey to the decision to leave this company that somehow was far too enmeshed in my sense of self, might have wanted to go out with a bang. There might have been a part of me that wanted to cause pain to mirror the pain I had been feeling. Part of me might have wanted to stick a hypothetical pencil in a hypothetical eye and say, "So THERE! Do you notice that I am actually not unimportant and I deserve some respect? Do you understand what an ass you have been? DO YOU SEE ME NOW?" The rest of me sees how scarycrazythursdaynighttvdrama that would be, and happily I was self aware enough to see that is not who I am, nor who I want to be.

So, I took that part of me and acknowledged it, gave it voice, and then actually behaved in a way more consistent with who I choose to be on a daily basis. At the end of the day, I do actually want to be one of the "good guys", even if I perhaps understand the guys in the black hats all too well.

Because I left a bad situation I have a real mess to deal with. An inconvenient mess that couldn't have had worse timing and couldn't have been planned better to push my buttons and ravage my fragile spaces. I now understand more than I ever did before why sometimes people choose to stay in untenable situations. Hell I did it myself, and I didn't even realize it while I was there. The payback for finally taking care of your own self and leaving can be really very horrible. At least I know that I did nothing wrong, that I tried to do everything right and my good motives are pretty clear. Plus, I documented. For the first freakin' time in my life.

Over the past years I have been thinking a lot about balance in work and in life and what I want my life to be. I began to realize that I can't wait until a more convenient and less scary time to live the life I want. So I decided to make it happen.

I have spent a lot of time working on my own fears of inadequacy, and my fears that I am a fraud and am not who or what people think I am. It sounds crazy to write that out, but I am starting, slowly, to track that those fears are not just my own personal shame. They are beginning to feel like part of the human condition and thus something that we all as humans can wrestle with separately and together and finally climb over.

I think screwing up my courage to leave a place that was far, far more unhealthy than even I admitted to myself is part of my (re)gaining my voice and my strength. But, as usual, I didn't make a change from one uncomfortable place into one with less discomfort. No training wheels here. No, I just jump from the frying pan into the crucible to see how well I'll do. I have no job, and thus our household has no income that I do not generate directly. The fears I have and the current threats of legal distractions directly impact my ability to do what I do to generate money, and I am faced with a situation that only stokes the flames of my neurosis while blowing up the plan I had to make a relatively comfortable transition. My timing for all of this could have been better, really. I decided to get healthy and stand up for myself just at the right time to put real pressure on Ginger to finish up the little house which will both be a physical space for me to work, and a way to generate some cash to take care of our financial realities. Silly rabbit.

But I still think it will be okay. Somehow I am still doing what I need to do, one tiny, babyish step at a time. And I am realizing that this moment, though fraught with challenges, fears, Windows Vista (of all things) other new frustrating software to learn, not enough space for my clutter, a problematic network and internet connection I don't understand, no money coming in and too much going out, and so much palpable fear, is just maybe cleaner and more honest than where I was before, and thus less dangerous to me.

Sometimes I am afraid that by leaving my old place I gave up whatever it was that made me good at being a recruiter. I am also beginning to admit to myself that, in part, I stayed there so long because I was afraid I wasn't capable of being successful anywhere else. I am beginning to see how hard it was for me gather my strength and will and believe I could walk out the door. I am so sad for that past me, and sort of ashamed I was and am that weak and fragile. It is sort of pitiful, and I hate being pitiful.

I keep fighting the shame, and I know and the fear will slowly clear as I keep push through it to act. Action breeds action and success. Pick up the phone, set up a meeting, do not hide, go connect with people. KEEP YOUR HEAD HIGH. If I do this the fear will go and the money will come. It always has.

Eventually I will feel less stiff and paralyzed by shock and the new and my own insecurities, and I believe I will enjoy this all very much. Most importantly, I will be (am?) living and working in ways and with people that are consistent with what I want and who I am. That change alone is enough to work though anything in my way.