Spring Springs

The last couple days in Saint Louis have been beautiful. Warm sun, fresh breezes, and tender green shoots springing up amidst that glorious end of winter feeling. I've been uncharacteristically calm which, perhaps, should frighten me, but I choose to look at it as a happy thing. Big things hang in the balance, but regardless of the results I know it is just a matter of time. My foundation is strong, and it is getting stronger.

Sun on my face, barefoot, outside, talking to people on my mobile. My office goes with me. I keep finding reasons to be outside while I work. Sometimes I don't work, sometimes I just sit and look at what my life is becoming. I like it. Today Ginger asked if I could go outside and keep watch on a rented tool while she ran to the store. I went out and laid in the trailer bed in the driveway. The clouds were fluffy and the air smelled so fresh. I made some calls with the sun warm on my closed eyes, and I basked in the crazy wonderful reality that I am making. Talking to people on the phone has always been the biggest part of my gig, but only recently have I felt so centered, focused and calmly invested in my process and my results. I can breathe, and because of that I can think, and thinking lets me pay attention and that has always been a good thing for me.

Every time I start to doubt myself I get an unexpected message that I am not doing the wrong thing, I am doing what I need to do and the things that I am doing are good. I may need to do more of them, but hey, I am working on that. People give me reassurance and kindness out of the blue. It is hard to believe, but every time I need a pat on the back, or a "buck up little trooper", it comes. I feel myself gaining traction, seeing things I might have missed before and doing things I only thought about in my past efforts. It is exciting. I keep stretching because I know I am far from my goals and need to keep improving, but I am starting to feel the momentum. I have time now to have the conversations I didn't have in the past. I am finding that my feelings of self-doubt are not all me and mine. My self-doubt is more of a human condition than my own secret shame, and that realization has been so freeing. The more I reach out to help others and connect, the more I am planting seeds and honing my approach. I know the billing will come; it has already started. It is tempting to have my nose to the grindstone. At first, I felt some odd bled of fear and guilt if I was doing anything other than panic-stricken dialing on my phone. That is fading, thankfully. I still work hard, but not out of panic and fear. I can feel my creativity, which was aways my strong suit, coming to the fore.

Right after I started my business, while I was still in the midst of the terror and doubt, I remember being amazed at how helpful and kind some people were. They still are, only now I am less stiff, and am beginning to trust in this thing that is building. It has been months since I woke up scared in the middle of the night wondering what the hell I was doing, and I am not missing that one bit.

We are leaping (so high), we are risking (so much), and we are trusting we'll land well. Trusting, not knowing, but there is no certainty in anything worthwhile. We leap, and while in mid-air, we turn and stretch to feel the warm sun on our faces and breathe deeply. We live, now.

To do anything else would be missing the point.