flee fly flow, a hunting I will go.

I lost myself in work today. Csikszentmihalyi would be proud. Truth is, it has been a while time since that happened. I felt the rush that, I guess, has been stifled by some of my trauma-drama, anxiety and doubt. With Spring at hand (and some jingle in my pocket) much of that negativity has subsided, and I am feeling a lightness of being (but by no means unbearable) I didn't realize was missing.

I have this sense the that things I planned on are actually on track, even though getting to this point was so much work. Getting to this place was really harder than I imagined it being, which, I suppose, makes this resting place all the sweeter. So I get to breathe, and take stock, and stretch out. I actually hit my heavy bag today, and I am not sure why that feels like a victory, but it is. I have experienced some significant validation, which feels great, and since leaping so high worked, I guess I am going to keep doing it.

I always knew that choosing my clients was more important than anything else, but I didn't realize how hard it could be to walk away from the ones that didn't respect me when I had nothing else going on. But since I have now done it more times than I'd like to admit, I am finding it easier, and even helpful to move on down the road when necessary. When I say I move on down the road, I mean something very specific. I am the kind of person that remembers people, places and things. Anything that is emotionally charged in the file cabinet of my mind I don't forget. For me, leaving money on the table, even in early stages, is always emotionally charged. So when I decide I am not going to find talent for a company, they move from the buyer role to a supplier role. It is a common saying in recruiting - "You are a buyer or a supplier." Doesn't it have a nice ring? I love it.

Every company I encounter is in one of those two categories, and the ones I walk away from as a buyer are immediately placed (sometimes forcefully) into that supplier role. It feels good, and is good business. I believe that the way a company treats the people that find them talent is a fantastic litmus test of how they treat that talent. So if we can't come to an agreement on doing business, well, I owe it to the talent in that company to at least offer them a chance to find a company that will treat them better. That is my favorite part of this game, actually.

All of this somewhat painful but redemptive market research has helped me gain new perspectives and formulate some pretty bold opinions related to hiring practices in corporate America. Something is broken (or at least badly bent), and I am not the only one noticing it. I think part of it is the sheer volume of candidates that exist for every position and, while some are qualified, many are not. That is a symptom of the current post and pray methodology that internal recruiters and agencies both labor under. Personally I like the Prey model, as in I go hunting to find the right talent.

There is so much volume in the talent pipeline that a great deal of time is wasted sorting the tiny grains of valuable wheat from the chaff. Lots of good people are lost in the deluge of candidates flowing in when they shouldn't be there. Plus, there are so many folks responding to posted positions that the niceties of communication are no longer happening. Miss Manners would be weep at the lack of couth displayed in hiring practices in 2008.

I hear from both candidates and human resource professionals that the effects of this situation are really a drag, and a lot of gunk is gumming up the pipes. As a recruiter, my traditional place is to help those who want a specific kind of hunting, and I am really a very tiny part of the solution for specific positions in select companies.

I have been thinking about other models that could have a greater impact for both candidates and companies, and it gets me sort of excited. Coming up with ideas that help things work better and perhaps allow a purging of the pipes is fun. It'll be interesting to see if they can be made to work in the real world.

Spring Springs

The last couple days in Saint Louis have been beautiful. Warm sun, fresh breezes, and tender green shoots springing up amidst that glorious end of winter feeling. I've been uncharacteristically calm which, perhaps, should frighten me, but I choose to look at it as a happy thing. Big things hang in the balance, but regardless of the results I know it is just a matter of time. My foundation is strong, and it is getting stronger.

Sun on my face, barefoot, outside, talking to people on my mobile. My office goes with me. I keep finding reasons to be outside while I work. Sometimes I don't work, sometimes I just sit and look at what my life is becoming. I like it. Today Ginger asked if I could go outside and keep watch on a rented tool while she ran to the store. I went out and laid in the trailer bed in the driveway. The clouds were fluffy and the air smelled so fresh. I made some calls with the sun warm on my closed eyes, and I basked in the crazy wonderful reality that I am making. Talking to people on the phone has always been the biggest part of my gig, but only recently have I felt so centered, focused and calmly invested in my process and my results. I can breathe, and because of that I can think, and thinking lets me pay attention and that has always been a good thing for me.

Every time I start to doubt myself I get an unexpected message that I am not doing the wrong thing, I am doing what I need to do and the things that I am doing are good. I may need to do more of them, but hey, I am working on that. People give me reassurance and kindness out of the blue. It is hard to believe, but every time I need a pat on the back, or a "buck up little trooper", it comes. I feel myself gaining traction, seeing things I might have missed before and doing things I only thought about in my past efforts. It is exciting. I keep stretching because I know I am far from my goals and need to keep improving, but I am starting to feel the momentum. I have time now to have the conversations I didn't have in the past. I am finding that my feelings of self-doubt are not all me and mine. My self-doubt is more of a human condition than my own secret shame, and that realization has been so freeing. The more I reach out to help others and connect, the more I am planting seeds and honing my approach. I know the billing will come; it has already started. It is tempting to have my nose to the grindstone. At first, I felt some odd bled of fear and guilt if I was doing anything other than panic-stricken dialing on my phone. That is fading, thankfully. I still work hard, but not out of panic and fear. I can feel my creativity, which was aways my strong suit, coming to the fore.

Right after I started my business, while I was still in the midst of the terror and doubt, I remember being amazed at how helpful and kind some people were. They still are, only now I am less stiff, and am beginning to trust in this thing that is building. It has been months since I woke up scared in the middle of the night wondering what the hell I was doing, and I am not missing that one bit.

We are leaping (so high), we are risking (so much), and we are trusting we'll land well. Trusting, not knowing, but there is no certainty in anything worthwhile. We leap, and while in mid-air, we turn and stretch to feel the warm sun on our faces and breathe deeply. We live, now.

To do anything else would be missing the point.

Recruiters on Safari

Lately I have had a lot of people talking to me about technology, online research, social media and just geeking out in general in regards to recruiting. While I am not an expert in any of those things (well, except geeking out), I certainly have been a technophile for a long time, and have leveraged technology, the internet, and smart research in my recruiting. I love to share what I discover because it seems like a happy thing to do, even though I think it is human to feel the temptation to keep cool knowledge to oneself. If recruiters in general were smarter, more equipped and didn't exhibit foot in mouth disease (and we all have done it) we'd all be better off. So here is to the greater good, baby! If you find any of this helpful, please let me know.

In that spirit, let me also mention some excellent resources for recruiters to share information, techniques and activate networking power. Jason Davis has created RecruitingBlogs.com, and it is a great place to find other recruiters committed to high standards and innovation. If you as a recruiter are not there, you need to be, and if you want to find a recruiter, well what better place to look. SixDegreesfromDave and its Linkedin group SixDegrees are also necessary stops. If you want a community of high producers who share knowledge best practices and tips of the trade, get involved. Personally, each of these people and organizations have added to my identity and brand, lifted my spirits and also helped me find increase my reach - which is essential to recruiting success. If you are afraid of connecting with competition, or sharing potentially confidential information with folks who could eat your lunch, I urge you to rethink your stance. Especially on Linkedin, but really anywhere we network, we own our relationships not our contacts. I believe more is better, and sharing helps everyone. RecruitingBlogs, and SixDegreesFromDave really are great examples of that and are positive forces for developing community in the staffing industry.

Headhunting in the wilds of the internet has a lot in common with being a private detective, a profiler, or a hunter in unfamiliar territory. When you venture out on a new search you are on your own in uncharted lands, and you have to think about who you are seeking, what they look, smell, sound, and feel like. You have to find them where they are, not where you think they ought to be. It requires excellent listening skills and the ability to pay attention to details and make connections.

Many recruiters still subsist on job boards, though that is beginning to change. I like to think of the "job boards" as zoos with captive animals on display. (No offense intended to anyone with a resume on a job board) But those captive folks have put themselves out there for all the crowds to see. They are easy to find because they are all in few places, but that easy access is a double edged sword. If you can find them, so can everyone else, and the fact that they get poked with so many sticks (many of which are pointless and embarrassing)can make them surly, cranky, and very difficult to handle. That doesn't mean you can't find a great catch on a job board, you can, but you have to be nimble, good at establishing rapport very quickly, and able to add value fast. You can't bumble with folks who are on the job boards, someone else will snap them up before you know it.

While the zoos are less interesting from a candidate perspective, they are useful from a research focus, because in many ways job boards are a partial employment directory representing a cross selection of workers and companies. You can see what skills, perspectives, and approaches live at particular companies if you pay attention, and to a recruiter/profiler paying attention is everything. You can gather quite a lot of raw data on the boards that will help you draw a good map for when you venture out into the less controlled areas of the internet.

This may come as a surprise to some people, but the internet is not a database of candidates for us as recruiters to find. You don't log in to the internet and access it like a job board. I think of the internet as a crazy universe of activity, datapoints, people going about their business, subcultures of almost any commonality, and evolving stuff that absolutely has a life of its own. One should approach it as a potentially unfriendly jungle where one must tread lightly in in order to stay safe. Anyone who has accidentally opened their mouth in the wrong place in the wrong way on the net can tell you that the internet can bite, and bite hard. There is treasure, but you don't want to jump into the jungle without studying up on it first.

A great example of relatively safe haven in the jungle is Linkedin. Lots of recruiters have jumped into Linkedin, and there is a tremendous about of information out there on how to use it from a recruiting perspective. Shally Steckerl, Jason Alba, Dave Mendoza and Glenn Gutmacher all have a lot of valuable things to share about this tool and online networking in general, and they give concise tips for using these tools daily. But I just want to bring up a few things I have noticed as a recruiter on Linkedin. As a recruiter, why would you limit your network on Linkedin? I come down very clearly on the volume side of linking, but I believe have value as well as volume in my network. I use Linkedin as a research tool more than anything else, and I want to access to every bit of data I can. Don't you?

Shally Steckerl and Glenn Gutmacher have more tips to taming the wilds of the internet through smart search engine usage than anyone I know. Regardless of how smart you are with internet search, they will teach you a thing or twelve hundred. Take the online seminars, and if you want your head to explode sign up for the home study course. Following those search techniques will lead you to a vein of gold in the internet jungle from which you can extract many valuable candidate nuggets.

One of Shally's most important points in constructing a search - whether it be using a search engine, or using Linkedin, is that you have to know what prospective candidates look like in the wild. This is actually the key to any kind of recruiting research. In the zoo of the job boards, candidates are behind bars and wear resumes with keyword tags. In the wild they might just be talking about solving a problem, sharing ideas or talking about a conference where they have presented. For example, on Linkedin, many people write nothing more than titles and company names in a profile, and if you search for a lot of key words, you will not find much. However, if you know what companies have those skills, you can probably generate a decent list by searching on that company for a variety of relevant job titles.

Once you have identified the traits you seek and how they might manifest in the wild, you need to know how to contact potential candidates effectively. If you post a job ad in the middle of a technical discussion folks might not just be annoyed, they might write a blog post about yet another stupid recruiter interaction. So, just like a canny hunter, when we find those places where good performers live and work online, we need to study them and learn the local customs before we take aim and fire.

Again, Linkedin provides a cautionary example regarding approach. I get a lot of forward requests from recruiters to candidates, and while I am happy to help anyone, even my competition, I wonder why any recruiter would put a first interaction with a potential client, candidate or contact in the hands of someone else, especially when those hands quite possibly belong to someone you do not know. I love and respect my Mother, but I would not let her call, email, or set the stage for my first contact with anyone. I think that whole forward thing is probably not the best way for a recruiter to make first contact, ever. Again, just my opinion, but it is just as annoying to get unsolicited (and often irrelevant) job requirements from someone on Linkedin as it is to get canned spamlike emails from Monster. Taking the time to learn something about a potential contact will always get better results than random stick poking.

Once I needed some assistance with software for my mobile device. I searched on the web for some assistance and stumbled upon a discussion forum for mobile developers. I did my research, fixed my problem, and went to the miscellaneous section to post a thankyou for the help, and offered to assist anyone who wanted to talk with me with any career questions as a token of my appreciation. Instead of a flame in response, I made some really swell contacts with scary smart folks. Yes!

Twitter is another fascinating tool, and it is growing fast. Think of it as constant eruptions of 140 character thoughts into space. Streams of consciousness from an unidentified number of consciousnesses. Random thoughts, pointers to pictures and articles and interviews and what someone had for dinner. I think the last count showed just over a million folks using twitter. This tool crystallizes all of the lessons of profiling, tracking, and hunting on the internet. You can choose to follow people you find interesting, or you can search for folks that suit you and follow them. Of course a technology centric tool with be best used for techie types, but if you are at all into social media (or if your clients are and there are few who aren't) you'll be surprised what you can find.

Tweetscan is one of the search tools for twitter, and FriendFeed will aggregate all your online activity and let you keep folks you are aligned with up to date on your virtual world. This is powerful stuff for recruiters. You can search for keywords, but you won't get far searching like you would on a resume. Knowledge is power in the twitterverse, so knowing things like conferences or groups or online hangouts or what folks doing the stuff you are looking for talk about can find you the folks you seek. You can also save searches so when people post about topics in the future you are notified.

Once again you have to think about search terms. Results for Java (a software development language) were mixed up with favorite coffee spots. Agile (a type of development methodology) was great fun and led me to some excellent contacts. Localities, hangouts, conferences all yield discussion. As usual, it is not what people do, it is what they talk about (which is really part of understanding a resume as well).

Once you find people to follow, shut up and listen for a bit. Get to know people by watching them, and doing some research. Most folks on twitter link to a website or profile. You can search for even those who do not to find out more about them before you begin tweeting out to the masses. And the most important thing to remember on twitter - it is not who follows you that matters, it is who you follow.

That may be the most salient point of any online recruiting focus. It really is who you find, who you track, how well you profile, and how effectively you listen and make connections that will always land you the best prize.

separating virtual wheat from chaff

As usual my head is abuzz with the social media explosion and the impact technology has on my world. While communication has always been a part of the technology, folks that barely own computers are becoming familiar with Linkedin, Facebook, myspace, and twitter. iphones are being advertised so deliciously on television ads that my lust can barely be contained, not to mention the tiniest of notebook computers making an appearance with the cutest of jingles. Sometimes I am not sure If what I am doing makes sense for my business. Sometimes I worry that I waste my time with my focus on all this geeky technology and social media web 2.0 stuff.

I am no expert, but as usual I know enough to be dangerous, and to be provide a lively conduit to my less technologically focused comrades. A less kind way of saying that is that I am obsessed with technology and communication but that I have people in my life who keep me from completely disappearing into the matrix. I love social connections technology provides, and I have for as long as I can remember. I went from devouring Asimov and Heinlein as a child and dreaming about connections within world to almost going broke networking coffeehouses with chat and email and online information in St. Louis prior to the web explosion.

One of the reasons I ventured out on my own in recruiting is that I could experiment with stuff like this and the stuff that is still being developed. I have had a lot of success with the social media in recruiting, and love the heck out of it. There is truly a dizzying amount of activity, and it promises to be a wild ride as we venture even more into interactivity and robust network applications. It can be a distraction, but I have found that as long as my online activities drive me back to the telephone (or my bottom line) I am okay. It is hard to focus and be that disciplined with all the fun, crazy stuff happening out there, but recruiting success (like most of life) really is about discipline and focus. I know I have to stay balanced, and a tool like twitter is very dangerous for us folks easily distracted by shiny bits, but it is also a way to find people, and that is what I do for a living. I guess it is always all about the results, and I should just let those decide if my geeky methods are helpful or harmful.

I believe that life is always enhanced by connection, which is partly why I love being a recruiter. And though I know that a lot of folks scoff at meaningful connections through a computer or a mobile device, for me it goes without saying that the lines between the virtual world and that of my own back yard are now so blurred as to be almost indistinguishable. I have had countless virtual world interactions that changed my life, made me money, or led me to find new friends or business contacts, so there is no debate on the value to me. The challenge for me lies in finding a balance. The dizzying real time feeds of email, tweets, chat and mobile blogging are as necessary to me as my morning cup of joe, but I have to work to find a way to stay grounded, centered and balanced in my approach, otherwise I might go crazy. So I am working on it. I think it is funny that I try to do 20 minutes of sitting meditation each morning, and then I go off to work, but it does seem to help me keep my balance.

Recruiting efficiently has a lot to do with doing effective research. That is why I think my methods might be interesting to people that are not just recruiters. Here is an example of how I use twitter. Think of it as a constant explosion of 140 character thoughts into space. Steams of consciousness from an unidentified number of consciousnesses. Random thoughts, pointers to pictures and articles and interviews and what someone had for dinner. Dizzying, right? You can follow people and see, in real-time, their streams on your screen. Entertaining, fun, pretty pointless though, right? Wrong.

Enter tweet scan, a real-time twitter search. For example, I will search for St. Louis tweets, and what do we find? An ever growing and surprisingly active list of folks using twitter here in my home town. Coolio! I am seeing denizens of the web that I never realized were there. But wait, what is that? Oh, a tweet from someone I might know, who knew that guy was on twitter. Man I need to get back in touch with that guy, uh, wait, holy cow. He is tweeting that he is hiring people, and is having problems. He needs me!

Uh, sorry guys, I gotta run, that right there there is some potential business popping it's head up, and as a rhino I need to charge right after it. But isn't it amazing how such a seemingly pointless tool can help you do what you need to do, or at least it can if you know how to use it.

its what you do with them that counts

I use Linkedin and other social networking tools like twitter a lot in my business. I have always found social media fascinating and like to watch as new things emerge.  Over the last few years Linkedin has become a tool I really value.  It helps me connect with some of the 100 million or so people that work in this country, and even folks all over the world. I like this tool, it has some magic in it. In fact, I more than like it - I may love it a little.

I make friends, associates, and money with Linkedin, and I have wracked my brain to learn the best ways to utilize it in my day, while working vigorously to grow my network.  Its crazy, but some people actually tell people to connect with me.  (Thanks, Dave!)

When Linkedin announced the new "corporate recruiting solution" it took me aback for a few minutes.  Corporate recruiters who partake can now have access to all 20+ million Linkedin members (members that are present in part because of promiscuous open networkers, of which I am am proud to count myself) without adding any contacts of their own.  Sort of a pay to play solution, which removes the necessity of putting networking skin in the game.  It almost felt like a betrayal to me, and I saw some other third-party brethren get really pissed off about it.  

But really, when you think about it, we never own our contacts, for crying out loud.  Listing them in Linkedin doesn't make them "ours" and would never prevent someone else from talking to them.  Our contacts are human beings with self determination and lives of their own.  Even if I had my list of contacts locked up in a drawer, it wouldn't prevent someone else from calling them. I was once asked if it made me uneasy being such an open networker because other people could call my contacts, and I answered, "If another recruiter had a great position for one of the thousands of people in my first-level connections then what kind of a networking contact would I be if I stood in their way?"  Bring it, baby.  The point is to help everyone be more successful, not try to keep all the success making stuff for ourselves.  Plus, as any veteran recruiter will tell you, it is not just having the names of people - the approach matters.   

I use the same reasoning when I share knowledge with people instead of hoarding it - information wants to be free, and flow to as many people as possible.  Learning and innovation can only happen an environment where sharing happens, and the more I teach people my "special tricks" the more I keep on learning.  Sometimes I have to remind myself of that.

So welcome to the family, paying corporate recruiters.  C'mon in, the networking is fine!  I wish you well and if I can assist you in any way, please don't hesitate to call.

....and hey, if you need any outside help on leadership or high impact positions in Technology Human Resources, or Operations, well, you'll know how to find me, I am probably in your network.

what does enough look like

I love being a recruiter as a way to make a living. It is a fantastic mix of detective work, rapport building, conflict resolution, understanding and differentiation. In our new information age I can do it from anywhere, and that is just cool as it can be. My career fits me well, and I find it immensely rewarding when things go well, and probably learn even more when they do not.

I left my company and went out on my own because I felt like like my life was terribly out of balance. Yes part of it was the oppressive and abusive atmosphere coupled with the rampant disrespect, but all of that negativity really just made me more aware that I was following a path that wasn’t consistent with how I wanted to live. I found myself dreaming of a life where where kindness, compassion, and mutual respect formed the ground rules and, ultimately, where I could feel like I “made a difference” to the world as a whole. That life looked so far away from what I was living that it seemed like a fairy tale. When I stopped and looked at the distance between the life I was living and the life I wanted, I got scared. I also got busy figuring out a way to escape. It is not that I am against working smart and making money. I had that discussion with myself years and years ago, and I decided then that I can do more for the world with some cash than without it. But the truth was I was exhausted mentally, physically and emotionally from an environment that had become combative and very dark. I wasn’t doing anything for myself, not to mention anyone else.

When I left this past October I wasn’t at all prepared for the fireworks, especially because I had tried to do everything in the most positive manner I could imagine. I didn’t realize escaping would be so painful and difficult and infuriating, and I was shattered in a lot of ways. I felt like I had stepped off a cliff and couldn’t catch my breath. I realized I had walked away from a lucrative position with no money coming in and a whole lot going out. I was depressed and beat up before, but now I was was terrified.

I knew I wanted to build my new life in a way that would be more congruent with my values, so I figured I had better pay more attention to what my values were. I started reading a lot of stuff, including some Thich Nhat Hahn. I had read him before, but for some reason this time his poetic words hit home with a veangenace. He cuts right through the fluff and offers some real meat to those questioning business as usual. It sounds a bit dramatic, but I think reading Being Peace kept me from going off the train tracks while I found my balance. Leaving my old job was, for me, part of my fumbling toward a more mindful approach to living, a rejection consumption as an end in itself, a world view based on compassion for and appreciation of other, and the rejection of dogma over a search for a constantly evolving truth. I think the fact that rejecting all dogma - even Buddhist doctrine - is part of Thich Nhat Hahn’s world view is really sort of cool. I always thought that Zen Buddhism was awesome for atheists and post modern-thinkers.

Reading him gave me some of the best tools I had to get through my anger, fear, and stress - I learned how to breath through things as a way of staying in the moment and finding balance. Finding a way to treasure my present (even at 3AM on a fearful, sleepless night) seemed to help me let go of a lot of my what ifs, and somehow led me to see how I wanted to spend my resources and use my time.

Now, a few months into this experiment, I am figuring out new rhythms of working and living starting from scratch. I think that without those first few months struggling with rage, confusion and fear (and, truth be told, living off the charity of others with absolutely white knuckles -eating lots of beans and rice) I might not have been able to even formulate my emerging perspective. Working from home for myself brings with it all kinds of crazy questions and issues - not the least of which is remembering to brush my teeth, and figuring out a time to start work - it is also allowing me to figure out why I am working and what I want to accomplish. I am beginning to think about my life in a “what is enough” way instead of a “what can I get” way. It sounds simplistic but it has had a profound impact. Plus it works well for business the way I want to do it. My clients appreciate my flexibility, and so does my stress level.

Living with enough is still fun, and rich, and vibrant (or it wouldn’t be enough) and it allows me to have more freedom and creativity in order to do things I think are important. I have wild dreams of sponsoring mental health treatment for women who are at risk and without resources, and starting a foundation to catch people before they fall through the cracks of our economy to give them tools to prevent disaster, and all kinds of other slightly nutty schemes. Figuring out what is enough for me will ensure I have resources to put toward those plans very soon, but right now enough means being able to buy a bit nicer beans and pay my expenses. Walking away from financial certainty with a side order of crushed soul was one of the most difficult things I have ever done, and it is true I still have no safety net. But the process of doing it and paying attention has helped me feel more secure I ever have, and spending time thinking about what enough means to me is a big part of that.

No Clinging

Tragedy struck our family suddenly, as it sometimes does, with no real warning signs or portents. One moment, contentment, a morning ritual of oatmeal and coffee, conversation about daily plans, and then a new moment - horror, blood, panic, and my oatmeal bowl in mid-air, suspended. That instant, so short so brutal, shattered us. Driving, driving to the animal emergency clinic - is this too fast? This is too slow - get in that lane - stave off panic, full of dread and fear, breathe in, breathe out dare to hope. So sorry, so sorry no words to capture the sorrow.

The history - years of love and effort and training with a much loved but unpredictable dog with and for whom we worked so hard (not hard enough?), and a greatly treasured older cat who ruled our home like a feisty queen, and with whom the dog always backed down, isn't the point here. But that history was the the fabric of our home, our life. Much effort, so much love and constant awareness. Years and years of vigilance, training and exercise wasn't enough, and now we lose two beloved beings in one short time. We live with that, we grieve, we work to move beyond remorse and guilt.

During one of the many trips to the hospital, (so many, an eternity in a few days) I think - this is why we need a heaven. This yearning to know that loss isn't how we end, that there is some goodness waiting to counter this searing pain. That hope would help with my sorrow, with my anger, with my guilt and regret. Too know that my beings will live again, free of pain, happy. That the damage led to perfection. My yearning tastes of tears, so sorry, no words.

I don't think the biggest difference between people is a belief in God or not. I know too many people who seek God who are also full of compassion, kindness and a desire to help themselves and others. I know too many atheists who are strident and arrogant, and I also can say the opposite. For me the two are different languages that ask the same question - how do we live with compassion and openness. What gives us meaning in the midst of suffering, what helps us to grow? Both stances can do that, and sometimes neither - thus the question of which is better is flawed.

What I seek in friendship and connection is simply connection and a desire for compassion and understanding. I expect an ability to build a bridge between difference, regardless of the material. When a person is so attached to a belief that it becomes a bludgeon and a barrier to understanding, the belief itself causes a problem, but isn't the problem. Attachment is the problem, as it so often is. We cling to things that comfort us in the face of the unknown, or in the midst of pain. That clinging is human, but it hold us back from becoming, from learning, from peace. When we think we already have truth in our back pocket we can't learn any more, and then we are limited. We can be so attached to what we know we may miss the truth before us.

My yearning for an afterlife where my beloved beings are happy and beyond the pain comes from such an attachment. I grieve for myself, for my loss, for my regret as much as I grieve for their suffering and dying. Eventually I must let go of my guilt and anger, and sorrow - they steal my present, and tarnish my memories. They take my joy, and there was so much shared. We had good lives together, and now, even after they are gone, they are helping me understand. For that I am grateful.